My Little Stoner: Rebirth
by Adamus7954
Summary: A rewrite of My Little Stoner, with a bit more skill and tact. A laid back stoner/drug runner gets sent to the magical land of Equestria. Let's see how this place of peace and innocence will handle his dark human demeanor. Rated M for violence, dark stuff, cursing, etc. Perhaps more, if I change my mind.
**My Little Stoner**

Chapter 1: Veni

"God damn, Mondays are beautiful when you don't have a job," I said to myself as I walked down the forest path by my home. The sun was high and the leaves were shining. It rained pretty hard that day, so I figured I'd grab something to lighten the mood once it stopped. I stepped across the stones I'd placed in the stream a few years back, then walked the familiar path to the rope bridge I had a buddy of mine help me set up. Moving isn't usually fun, but at least we came to a nice place.

Anyway, I crossed the bridge like I always do, enjoying the light swaying from the wind. On the other side, about half a kilometer further, was my garden. Or farm. Whatever you wanna call it, same difference. I was gonna grab some of the fruits of my labor, then head back home to enjoy the next few hours of alone time before John got back.

Of course, my plans rarely go the way I want them to, and this nice day just had to be ruined by some motherfucking police assholes. Why pot's illegal is beyond me, but it made me plenty of money when these pricks weren't screwing me over.

I first noticed them when I took the eighth path (I had twelve) up to my farm. I had just pushed a lush branch out of my way when I saw one standing in full kevlar, smoking a cigarette. Asshole was willing to inhale the smoke, but didn't want to feel good when he did it. His AR-15 convinced me that this would be a shitty time for a mini-harvest, so I turned my ass right around.

And of course, I ran right into another one. My instinct pulled out my M1911A1 and put a round through his skull before he could scream, the silencer making it sound more like a heavy footstep than a gunshot. I grabbed him and lowered his body slowly, then dragged it into a bush. _Hey, there's an idea._

I grimaced and undressed the guy, then threw on his outfit over my t-shirt and jeans and replaced my shoes with his boots. I smiled to myself as I hefted his M16, then let it hang from its strap and started walking down path number seven. One of the outer guards caught sight of me and waved. I waved back, thankful that my face was pretty obscured by the mask and that the guy I killed was about as white as me.

These assholes had my crop tossed into a pile, ready to bring it in so they could line their pockets with an easy bust of a mostly harmless drug. I thought about how best to spite them for a minute, then walked over to my little shack I built next to the farm and stepped inside, closing the door. There were a couple of other guys in there. One was on a laptop, and the other was smoking. The smoker stepped up to me, grinning. "Hey man, you wanna smoke?" He pulled out a pack and offered me one.

"Nah. But I'd love to grab my gas can." He had enough time to look confused before he had a .45 caliber bullet in his uncovered face. I put one into the other guy's head as well, then grabbed a large red gas container. I drove out here on another route occasionally, so I like to be prepared. This wasn't my original intention for it, no, but it'd work just fine.

I stepped back outside, grinning as I closed the door, and walked over to the growing pile. Another guard noticed me and called out what was presumably the name of the guy whose outfit I stole. I waved at him with my free hand and kept walking. No clue why he didn't question the gas can, but it made things that much easier for me.

 _Damn moron._ When I made it to my lush crop gone to waste, I began pouring the gasoline over it, making sure to cover as much as I could. Somebody shouted at me, but I ignored them and pulled out my lighter, I stood there long enough to make sure that it was burning before I took off toward the bridge, smiling to myself.

 _Ah, spite. What a wonderful thing._ I grabbed the M16 and fired at the first guard I saw, putting a round into his left leg. I bolted toward the bridge, the sounds of shouting trailing behind me. After a few seconds, the cracking and popping of bullets sounded around me. _Just like old times. If only John had waited an hour to get groceries and get laid._

I made it to the bridge and started to cross when I felt something hit my back, hard. I stumbled, but kept moving until the bridge jolted.

"Shitfuck!" I love that expletive more than the others, so I shouted that one out as I lurched to the right. _Son of a whore, they shot the rope._ I grabbed a board to keep myself from falling and used my other hand to send a few rounds from the M16 toward the police. Of course I missed, so I let it fall back to my chest and grabbed another board with that hand, trying to pull myself up. I failed, because who the fuck can actually do that? My first hand slipped, and I hung there for a moment longer before the other did as well.

I must've shouted the word "fuck" a dozen times while I fell toward the stream below. The last thing I saw before blacking out was this weird, dark blue flash. I thought I was going to hell. Fuck knows I deserve it.

* * *

I woke up fuck knows how much later feeling dizzy and nauseous. I tried standing, but it made the feelings even worse and I fell flat on my face. I noticed how strange my face felt and brought a hand up to it, only to realize my hand was a blunt object and my face was way too long. I felt panic seep in, but fought it in favor of looking around and ignoring the issue of my body.

I was still in the forest, but it was dark and foggy. The rope bridge was behind me, the ropes on the other side snapped. The entire place had an eerie feel to it that I'd never felt in the forest before. I tried to stand again, pushing myself up with my… hands. It worked better this time, and I started pushing myself to my feet.

Thanks to whatever the fuck was up with my body, I fell onto my back after all of three seconds. I decided mobile panic was better than stationary calm and looked down at my body. The first thing I noticed was that my dick was huge. Like, two feet long. The second thing I noticed was that it looked like a horse dick, literally. Flared and everything. No idea why I was hard.

I somehow stayed calm enough to look at the rest of myself. I now had dark grey fur, hooves, a dark purple tail (probably a mane too), and a fucking muzzle. I immediately ran through the process of troubleshooting a nonfunctional WiFi router to avoid thinking about what the hell what going on and rolled myself onto all fours. Standing was a bit funny, and the few steps I took were shaky, but I figured I could make it as far as I had to.

I took a few deep breaths. "Okay Victor," I said to myself. "You're in the forest. Your forest. But you're a horse. It's okay. This is just like your 19th birthday party."

I took a few more steps, getting a feel for walking with this new body. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on, if I was tripping, dead, or whatever else, but I definitely wasn't planning on just sitting here.

I managed to get into a good walking rhythm and made my way back down the path to my home. I soon made it to the stream only to find that my stones were gone. _Shit. Guess I'm wading._

Or not, it seemed, because the stream was much, much deeper than I remembered. I fell right into the cold-ass water, this coat of mine getting soaked as fuck. It wasn't fun, believe me.

I figured out how to doggy paddle -horsey paddle?- pretty quick though. I dragged myself out of the water on the other side and shook myself.

"Fuck, can I get a break?" I could really feel that coat getting soaked, too. It was weird for a trip, and that's saying something.

Just as I turned to walk away, my paranoia told me to look behind me. It's usually a good idea to obey it, so that's what I did.

And a fucking sea serpent greeted my vision. Thanks, LSD! Bringing our greatest fears to life since 1938!

As I recited Uriel Septim VII's best quote in my head, the serpent actually spoke, and I knew at that moment that I was absolutely high as a fucking cloud.

"Oh, hello there, little pony! What brings you to my river?" If you could hear his voice...

Yes. A gay sea serpent. He reminded me of nobody, because I didn't know any gay people that stereotypical.

"LSD," I bluntly answered, somehow managing to smile despite being a chucklefucking horse.

"Hmm. Louis from San Dineighgo? How do you know him?"

 _Oh you're fucking kidding, right? Horse puns?_

"... Yeah actually, I met him in Manehattan on my way from Fillydelphia," I answered, chuckling a bit at my sarcasm.

"Ah, he's such a delightful pony, isn't he? Haven't seen him since I moved out here, but it's good to know he still gets around!"

 _Dammit._

"Well, if I see him anytime soon, I'll let him know you said hi." I smiled awkwardly again and started slowly backing away.

"Oh, could you? You're such a dear! But oh my, I must be off. A Kraken down the river a ways invited me for dinner, and I would hate to be late. Tata!"

The serpent swam off down the river, exactly like he said. _That was rude. He never told me his name. I didn't either, of course, but my point still stands._

I turned and continued walking along the forest path, shaking my head a bit at the ridiculousness of my trip. The trees were quite a bit more gnarled than I remembered, almost like they were glaring. It was badass.

I enjoyed my night walk for all of about five minutes when I heard a scream from further up the path. _Okay, ignore the possible rape/murder, or risk my drug use potting me into an awkward position? Hm…_

Of course I bolted toward the fucking scream, how boring do I think I am?

After all of half a second I fell on my face, because tripping. Ooh, double meaning.

I got back up and settled for a… trot? Whatever. I trotted my ass right over to that screaming woman.

Or horse, as it turned out to be. Or was it a pony? I never really cared enough to tell the difference. If I put two seconds of thought into it, I could've figured it out, but I really couldn't care any less. Anyway, it was orange.

And it was being chased by an orange lion scorpion bat thing. _Man, this is awesome! Not a big fan of orange though._ Then a blue pegasus kicked the shit out of the lion scorpion bat thing. _This just got twenty percent… where was that thought going?_ I lost my train of thought when a yellow pony screamed the word "wait" really loudly.

It walked up to the demon and, after dialogue bullshit that I couldn't hear from my place down the path, yanked a thorn the size of my horse phallus from its foot. _Jesus fuck. Sucks for you, bro._

The scorpion lion bat thing slinked off into the woods after making out with the pony's entire face. _Oh, that's nasty._

I walked up as they congratulated the yellow pony for being a badass. There were six of them, and they were all technicolor. One of them had an immaculate rainbow mane. Overall, it was pretty epic.

They took a few seconds to notice me, but got really confused really fast for some reason. _Hope I'm not naked in the real world._

"Uh. Hi?"

One of these ponies was disturbingly pink, and it immediately struck me as batshit, because as soon as I finished my greeting it just… just appeared in my face.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie!"

"... Victor," I said slowly, holding up a ha- hoof for it to shake. It took my hoof, but instead of shaking it, it shook its entire body. "Oh."

"Um, sir?" I heard a strangely nice voice say. I looked up. "Why are you all the way out here in the Everfree?"

The voice currently speaking to me belonged to a purple unicorn. Lavender would be more accurate, but who gives a shit? That's not the important part anyway. It was a unicorn, man. Every stoner's dream! Literally. It had a dark purple mane and tail with a… what is that, like, fuchsia? A fuchsia stripe in its mane and tail. Whatever, fucking unicorns.

"Hell if I know. I was getting shot at by the cops, fell off a bridge, and woke up alive on the other side of the bridge, high as a kite." Every single one of them stared at me with an intense level of confusion. "What? Dammit, am I naked?" I looked back at myself and yes, I was naked. I also had fur.

The purple unicorn looked at me like I was crazy, because horses can have facial expressions when I'm high. "That's… nice. Well, we've gotta get going! The forest exit's that way." It pointed behind them. Or she? It sounded like a girl, so I'm gonna call it a she. Sorry if it sounds sexist, I'll ask her later.

"Cool, thanks." I started walking down the path to leave the forest and be super boring.

Yeah, no. I stood right the fuck there. "But I'm gonna chill with yall for a bit."

She got even more confused. "You're gonna... chill? With who?"

The blue- or cyan, whatever- pony spoke up. "Chill, Twilight. It means relax? Ever done it?"

The orange one spoke next. "Yall, Twi. You all."

The lavender one, Twilight I guess, blushed a bit. "Oh. Well, we're not really going to be relaxing, so maybe you should head to Ponyville?"

 _Ponyville. That's a stretch._ "Nah. I'ma follow you guys." I started walking back the way I came. The ponies looked at each other for a second, then shrugged, because apparently they can do that, and followed me.

When we made it to the awesome-looking trees all the ponies started flipping shit. _What are they, eight?_ Then one of them started singing. _Oh GOD._

I zoned out and kept walking, wishing I was on two legs so I could strangle myself painfully with my hands. She stopped after a couple of minutes, but that short moment killed me a bit on the inside.

We made it to the river with the serpent, and for whatever reason he was thrashing around in the water, crying. _Aww, did his Kraken friend dump him? Poor guy. I know how that feels…_ Not the gay part, the being dumped part. It fucking sucks.

Anyway, the ponies approached him for whatever reason. I hated having to comfort people, so I hid in the trees at the side of the path and waited for this to be over. Eventually, the white pony cut off a large portion of her purple tail… with magic. _Awesome as fuck._

She magically bonded it with the dude's orange moustache that I finally noticed had been cut off. It looked like shit, but he looked happy. _Okay?_

He laid his body across the river awkwardly, like stepping stones. The ponies started walking over them, leaving me behind. I walked out as the yellow one looked around, presumably for me.

"Oh, you're okay… Good." She hopped across the serpent's back, despite having wings to fly over with.

 _You have wings. That's awesome as fuck. You should use them._ I followed her over and hopped to the other side, scurrying down the path before the serpent could wonder why seven bodies crossed his back.

The cyan pegasus turned back to me. She was the one with the rainbow mane. "So, what was your named again?"

"Victor. You?"

"Rainbow Dash. You wanna tell me why you're following us if you aren't gonna help with anything?" She was a testy one.

"Help with what? There hasn't really been any trouble since the demon attack."

"What about the trees? Or the sea serpent? You didn't do anything about them!"

"Uh, do what exactly?" I asked, my inner smartass showing. "They were just trees. Walk past them." Or burn them. "As for the serpent, I couldn't do much about it unless you wanted me to fight it, and that wouldn't have gone well." I'm afraid of being in water with something dangerous. It's a phobia.

"Well... You could've... Pft, whatever. Can you at least try to help? This is important, and if you're gonna tag along, the least you could do is pull your own weight."

 _What weight? I'm not a hindrance, nor am I beneficial. I'm just here._

"Aight babe," I answered calmly, smirking. She sighed and left me alone at the back of the group.

I calmly walked at the back of the group until we reached the bridge, taking in the dark, foggy scenery. It felt like a horror movie. I was excited to slaughter the serial killer, because nobody ever has years of experience with murderous assfucks in those movies. Unless the killer is a ghost or something. Because a normal killer can't beat an experienced killer, but a ghost can.

I walked over to the bridge and actually looked at it. It was seriously deteriorated. I was blaming that on my current mental state.

"Well shit. So, how do you guys wanna do this? Rainbow Dash and… yellow pony… could fly us over, right?"

Of course they ignored me. I turned around after speaking to find Rainbow Dash flying over my head to the other side. "Goddammit."

I stared over at the other side of the bridge, watching her try to fix the bridge. Some dark shapes appeared behind her, and they started talking. _Well, I don't like where this is going._

I reached for my gun. _Oh fuck._ I didn't have it. Of course I fucking didn't. I looked around in a panic and began trotting around to find it. _Oh fuck, fuck._ After a minute of searching, I managed to find my black .45 in a bush. I sighed and shifted the bush around a bit to find all the other stuff I had too. My clothes, the police gear, and the M16 were all there. _That's a fucking relief. Fuck the police stuff and my clothes, my gun is important._

I grabbed it all anyway, wrapping the clothes up in my t-shirt as best as I could, putting the M16 strap around my neck, and tucking the .45 into the wrap. I have no fucking clue how I did all that. It just happened. Hooves shouldn't be able to do that, but they did. It didn't even feel weird.

 _Trippin' balls, baby._

I grabbed the wrap in my mouth and walked back to the bridge that everybody but the yellow one was walking across. She was looking for me again. _How sweet._

I walked over, smiling. She smiled back shyly and I walked across ahead of her. She followed behind.

On the other side was some castle thing or whatever. It was pretty damn big, and cool as balls. _This would make an awesome spot for paintball._

The ponies, not waiting for me, walked into the castle. I strolled on in, figuring they'd remember me when they could use my help like everybody else in my life.

They were playing with big stone balls in the center of the room. _Oh. Chuck Norris donated his testicles to an ancient castle._ I opted to pay more attention to a grasshopper in the corner of the castle. It was doing… something with another grasshopper. Probably sex.

 _ **Thou wilt stop them.**_ Okay, that was weird. You ever have a voice inside your head that isn't yours? It's not comfortable.

 _ **Do not let them use the stones.**_

"... Uh, why?" I asked quietly.

 _ **Because they wish to bring us harm. We called thee here to receive thine help. Save us from these ponies that wish us destroyed.**_

"Welp, that's creepy." I looked over at the technicolor group of ponies for a second. Most of them were leaving. "Yeah, I dunno. They don't seem to be hurting anyone."

 _ **Thou wilt stop them! Obey me!**_

"Oh shit. Yeah, I'm American. We don't really take orders well. Maybe if you say please."

 _ **Us? Beg?! How dare thee!**_

The grasshopper I think was getting screwed turned into a purple cloud thing and swooshed (yes, swooshed) through the air to land in front of Twilight, the only pony left in the room.

"Damn." I trotted over, vaguely wondering if I had been watching the Hub when I got high. "Hey, can I get an actual explanation of what the hell's going on?" I asked both of them. Twilight looked over to me, somehow failing to notice the massive black- _It's a dick-_ unicorn pegasus thing in full fucking armor. "I didn't care enough to ask before, but I'm getting a bit curious."

Twilight gave me that look women give when they want someone to stop being what they perceive as stupid. I hate that look.

"Seriously. Why is there a damn unicorn-pegasus standing behind you? Why are you in this castle? Dafuq's going on?" She looked behind her after the first question. She gasped, and the black pony grinned darkly around the end of the second question. The black pony lowered her horn as I asked the third. I sighed deeply.

"Now thou shalt see the wrath of Nightmare Moon!"

 _Nightmare Moon? What's that? Some badass special attack?_

I then realized my trip was emulating a video game. _I love these trips!_

I dropped my pack and the M16 and got ready to fight like a pony-man-thing. The pegacorn- that's what I'm calling it until I hear otherwise- and Twilight started some little magic battle for all of about three seconds before I put a hoof into the pegacorn's face.

She- I think- turned to face me, and got tackled in the side by Twilight. Before she could recover, I tried a sweet roundhouse buck and fell flat on my ass. I managed to slap the fuck out of her as I fell, at least. Despite my status as an embarrassment to humanity, I got back up just in time to dodge a horn to the throat and fell flat on my ass again.

"Dammit," I began, kicking at her legs. She dodged, the cunt. "Can you just," I continued as I narrowly missed with a punch. "Stay still?" I finished my question just before taking two hooves to the chest. I felt something crack and fell backwards again, winded.

As I clutched my broken ribs, Twilight and the bitch looked at each other really fucking hard. _If looks could kill, my father would have died years before he did._

They charged each other for some dumbass reason. I bolted for my pile.

 _If I can just get off one shot, I can win._ I fiddled with the M16 for a few seconds before I realized hooves can't pull triggers. _Oh, but they can tie a knot just fine. Fuck me._

Twilight fucking teleported past the pegacorn and over to the stones and started to cast some stupid magic. I started sprinting over to her just as the black horse teleported to the stones. It lifted a hoof, then brought it down and somehow smashed all the stones at once. _Because that makes sense._

I made it over and decided to imitate Hitmonlee with a Hi Jump Kick. I failed miserably and learned why they take damage for missing.

As I was recovering from my worst fall yet, I saw some blue orb shit envelope Ms Bitch and Twilight, so the first thought that came to my mind was to charge straight into it.

My survival instinct is not as high as it needs to be.

After about two seconds of nausea, I realized I was in a different room. The pegacorn bitch saw me and lowered her horn. I tried to move, but couldn't for some reason. I had time to see some weird-ass blue aura around me- I was seeing that color a lot lately- and I found myself back in the other room.

"Dammit, that was pointless." I sighed. "Whatever." I grabbed my shit and dashed outside just in time to see Twilight's friends sprinting away. I sighed again and began running after them, following them into another castle. _The bitch is in another castle! Heh._

We ran inside, and I immediately got shot in the chest by a bolt of magical fuck-you.

I grunted as I went flying back outside and landed on the ground with a thud. I was thoroughly injured by this point, with multiple broken ribs, a constant feeling of nausea, a burnt chest, and the beginnings of a headache. I dragged myself to my feet and half-ran, half-limped back into the castle.

"Wait." I stopped. "Why the fuck am I doing this? I don't owe anyone anything. I'm out." I turned around to leave and got hit by a wave of rainbow douchebaggery from the deepest layer of hell, dragged to reality by my inner demons. I was thrown once again and slammed my head into the ground. K fucking O.

* * *

I woke up some modicum of time later, still outside. I was covered in mud, my nose was bleeding, my chest hurt like a fucking bitch, my head was killing me, my left leg- the back one- felt broken, I was so nauseous I could barely stand without throwing up, and I was a little bit pissed off. All in all, it was an unpleasant experience.

I slowly brought myself to my feet. My back left leg buckled in pain. _Yeah, it's broken._ I limped into the castle on three legs, a feat for a natural biped, and looked around. The building didn't take much damage. There was a bit of rubble, but it was mostly fine.

The ponies were all knocked the fuck out though, including pegabitchicorn. I walked over to her and poked her in the side. She looked different now. A lot less dangerous-looking, but an innocent-looking person can be a lot more dangerous than a guilty-looking one.

The sun started to rise over the treetops of the Everfree, and the ponies finally began waking up. I turned around to go check on them and head hooves behind me. Almost gave myself fucking whiplash, I turned around so fast.

There was a white pegacorn thing standing there now. She was a bit taller than the other one, and her hair was weird. It was light green, blue, and pink, and it was… moving. Almost like it was alive. Freaky as fuck, man.

She smiled at me, and I just felt calm. I don't know how or why, but that look made me feel a bit better. Her horn glowed a golden color and I felt entirely better. My chest, head, nosebleed, leg, and nausea all immediately felt better.

"So… What the hell just happened?" I was far beyond confused at this point.

"You helped save Equestria, my little pony."

"Oh. Cool. But can you not call me your little pony? It's emasculating as fuck." She looked a tad bit surprised at that, but barely let it show. You get good at reading emotions when your life depends on it, and from what I could see, it seemed like human expressions carried over to horses in my LSD dreams.

"Are you alright?" Her voice was a bit like what I imagined a comforting mother's would be. "Maybe I didn't heal you completely." Her horn glowed for a few seconds, then stopped. She gave me a confused look. Before she could continue anything, Twilight finished waking up.

"Princess!" She ran up to her and bowed. The other ponies followed her lead and bowed reverently.

"Rise, Twilight." She did as she was asked, as did her friends. "My faithful student, I knew you could do it."

"But you told me it was just an old pony's tale!" Twilight stated, confused. I stopped listening completely at that point, because this princess chick started talking about friendship and stuff, and I'm too cynical to give a shit, so I cringe instead.

Eventually, she said something about a princess and the moon and sisters or something. Or maybe the princess was named Luna, I dunno. Maybe they were sisters. Does that make sense? Either way, after a minute of me not giving a shit, Luna and the other chick hugged it out.

"So, seriously, what's going on?" I asked them again. I was a bit irritated that I didn't get shit for explanation earlier.

Luna turned to me and gasped. "We… why art thou still here? Thou were meant to be dispelled when Nightmare Moon was defeated!"

"Yeah, that doesn't help in the slightest," I was now annoyed. "Actually, it just raises more questions."

"Indeed it does," the great white princess interjected. "Luna, what do you mean by dispelled?" Luna was quiet for a few seconds.

"... When we returned, we thought to summon assistance to help us. Something went wrong, and our spell took a being from a different plane. We are not certain how it happened, but he was separated from us and sent further into the Everfree."

"Girl, chill. I'm just high."

The one with a sun on her butt smiled a bit, but I don't think anyone noticed. Luna looked confused, and the others had similar expressions.

"Would you mind telling me your name?" Sunbutt asked me.

 _Holy shit, I can be anything. I can be Dragonsword Chainsaw. I can be Soulfire Wolfcut. So many cliche, stupid, badass names I could pick!_

"I'm Victor." _Fuck._

"Hmm. Where are you from, Victor?" Sunbutt was still using that motherly tone. "That's a rather uncommon name."

"America. Specifically, Kentucky. Not a fan of the place, wouldn't recommend visiting it. It's mostly crappy. Richmond, Lexington, Louisville, and a few other places were okay-ish, but most of it was crap. I much prefer California."

"I've never heard of any of those places," she informed me. "But I suppose it makes sense, if you're from another plane. I'm surprised her accident found a plane with ponies, however."

"Oh, I'm not a pony. I'm a human." Now that confused Sunny. I was really getting tired of standing there, talking in circles. "Obviously that confuses you, so I'll explain a bit. I'm supposed to be on two legs, with hands and feet, and a lot less fur. Primates, you know? Don't have much hair on my body. Mostly on my head."

Sunbutt furrowed her brow, somehow. "So you're saying you've been transformed?"

"Girl, I dunno. I'm still certain I'm high. With LSD in my body, there's no telling what's real and what isn't." I smirked and sat down as best as I could. "Hell, I just fell off a bridge while getting shot at by police before some blue shit went everywhere. Now I'm here. I'll probably be somewhere else soon. That's whatcha get for using acid. I love it."

"... Very well." Sunbutt was even more confused. Before she could say anything else, the pink pony- was it Pinkie?- jumped in front of her.

"Hey! Princess Celestia! You know what? We should have a party!" She was bouncing in a really weird way that shouldn't have been possible to level herself with Sunbutt- or Celestia, whatever- for a few short moments.

 _I have no idea what's going on._ Celestia thought for a moment.  
"A party would be nice, I believe."

There's nothing in my mind that I can use to explain what happened after that. Pinkie was just… gone. Like, one second she was there, the next instant she was gone. There was no flash, no aura, nothing.

Psychedelic drugs will fuck you up damn well.

I looked around for a bit, seriously confused. Celestia shrugged, somehow, and looked back at me. "We can speak more later. For now, why don't we go to her party?"

"Sweetheart, I'm always in for a party. Lead the way." She did just that. I grabbed my shit in my mouth and followed. There was some more dialogue between Celestia, Twilight, and the others, but I honestly didn't give a shit. I was riding high.

"Victor?" A voice asked me. I looked to the side and saw that Luna was in the same place the voice came from.

"Hm?"

"... Thank you." I sat my stuff down and stopped so I could speak.

"Not really sure why you're thanking me, but you're welcome all the same."

"You helped save me, and Equestria, from myself. Without you, Twilight may have failed." She smiled at me. "I'm sorry I summoned you. I'll do my best to find a way to send you back."

"Man, this reminds me of the time I went to Sovngarde on one of these trips. It was great. Surprised my high still hasn't worn off though. Doesn't make a damn bit of sense."

Luna looked at me strangely, then walked ahead to speak to Celestia. I grabbed my things and kept walking at my leisurely pace, not particularly eager to rush anywhere. After about twenty minutes, we made it out of the forest and emerged near an apple orchard. Man, those apple trees were massive.

After a few more minutes of walking and me enjoying the smell of the fresh air and the sun on my face, we made it into an adorable little town filled with all of these weird, adorable-looking ponies. It was funny, how they acted like little people. One of them was even sitting on a bench like a human would.

But they were all losers and just bowed whenever the princesses walked by. Twilight and her friends were laughing and joking with each other the whole way, and Sunbutt made the occasional comment. Luna mostly kept to herself and her sister.

Finally, we stopped in front of a giant gingerbread house. No shit, honest. I knew right then that, if nothing else had convinced me, this thing right here let me know that this was an LSD trip.

I walked in with everyone else. When I saw there was a party going on in there, I immediately sat my shit on a couch- keeping a close eye on it,- and proceeded to eat eight cupcakes, drink three cups of punch, and fall over onto the couch, pony, a light grey mare with blond hair and some weird yellow eyes sat beside me.

"Yo," I greeted her simply.

"Hi there!" She was peppy. "I'm Derpy!"

"Yeah, I can see that. My name's Victor." I was close to falling asleep, despite the party. I tucked my stuff under my head as a pillow.

"I haven't seen you around before. Are you new?"

"Mhmm," I mumbled, barely conscious. She yawned and laid on the other side of the couch.

It was a big couch.

After a few more moments, my senses mostly shut down as I finally fell asleep, not really caring that a party was going on around me.

* * *

I woke up in my bed some time later and looked around. Seeing my room, I laid back a bit.

"That was fucking awesome," I said to myself. I hopped out of bed and noted to myself that I was naked. I walked out of my room, past John's door, and into the bathroom. One shower later and I greeted my hallway once more, this time with a towel.

Elaine, one of my roommates, left her room around the same time in nothing but her revealing panties. She spotted me in the hall and gave me a quick once-over.

"You've gotta hit the gym more often, Victor. Starting to get a bit too much meat on you." She grinned and smacked my stomach as she walked past. I slapped her very nice, naked ass and walked back to my room with some displaced blood, smiling. I heard John stirring in his room, finally, but walked past his door, shutting my own behind me.

"Wonder if there's anything new today," I said to myself, opening my laptop. I guess I forgot to close my tabs before, because I immediately saw a woman performing a very kind act for her pool boy. I thought for a moment.

"Nah, I'll do that later." I closed my incognito window, browsed some bullshit for half an hour, then checked my email. What I saw worried me. _Why does this say it's January?_

I clicked my newest email and read over Eric's last report, mostly skimming. Sure enough, it was the same numbers I had back in January.

"Okay, I know for a fact I've already played Automatron, so this is bullshit." I grabbed my controller and turned on my PS4. After a minute spent starting up Fallout 4, I checked my DLC. Sure enough, there was nothing. "Goddammit! Don't tell me I dreamed that or something!" I sighed to myself.

I don't really remember anything past that until later that night. John, my other roommate, was sitting across from me at our dining room table. We had a six pack of Smirnoff Ice mostly finished. I was on my third can when John spoke. We did that a lot, just sat there quietly, drinking.

"So Vic," he started, taking a drink. "We really retiring?"

"Hell yeah, man. If we can make it to August, we're set. I've got this nice place in California all lined up. We've gotta move to this little place in VA first, but that'll only be for a few months. Once we pull this, it'll be over. You can finally get married, and we can get real jobs. What do you think of working at Tesla? Or Google?" I took a drink.

"Man, I'd love nothing more. Just be careful, alright? If you go missing or get yourself arrested or killed, I'm gonna be hella pissed." We both drank from our cans for a few seconds.

"Hey man, don't worry so much. We've been at this for three years together, and me for three before. We know what we're doing." I smiled at him. "You and Izzy have a couple kids, settle down. Maybe I'll convince Elaine to give me another go. We're all gonna live easy. Just one more year."

He held up his can. "I'll drink to that." I met his can with my own, and we both downed them. He sighed. "I wish we'd bought more beer." I don't know why, but I burst out laughing at that.

"Shit man, we always need more beer." I stood up, happier than I'd been in a while. "Let's get to bed. Got an early day tomorrow."

John nodded, and we both headed to our rooms.

"Alright, no drugs for me tonight. Eh… no jerking off either, I guess." I hopped into bed and was out less than a minute after I hit the mattress, the sweet embrace of sleep overtaking me.


End file.
